Lousy person

I'm an ingrate.

I take it as my God given right to sulk and pout and basically get pissed off with him. He who had been so kind to lend me the use of his home, computer and time. He who had been so kind to indulge me when all I deserve is a tight slap.

So here I am, at home trying to rationalise my actions earlier. Wasting precious time in unnecessary and skewed version of my truth. Am I trying to make it easier for him to hate me ? Or at least dislike me intensely ?

I need a hug and a kiss for the times I feel so lonely and alone. I'm feeling lonely and alone right now. I switched off my mobile, telling myself I can harden my heart and not miss his voice. And now, I'm weeping like a baby who's lost her anchor.

Why am I doing this to myself ? Why do I think I don't deserve happily ever after ? Why am I sabotaging myself ? Why do I think that I won't be missed when I am gone ? Why am I even thinking of dying now ?

Mood: Destructive to one's own interests aka suicidal