Not so bad a day

It's the day before the start of Ramadhan. How time flies. Before you realised it, another year had passed. Things that I think would be mundane is not so bad these days. I guess having a somewhat balanced outlook of life is contributing to a higher level of tolerance at times.

I went to the Graduation slash Staff Appreciation Dinner last night. I had a complete make over with Mariam. As a result we arrived like super late for the dinner. It started out okay. We went out looking for dresses once Mariam had touched down from Indo. She got her dress from Mango and then we spent quite a bit of time looking for mine.

I had asked my darling if he prefers in a one piece or two piece outfit. Naturally his answer is a "No piece". Right. As if that is going to happen. Imagine how everyone would choke and barf their dinner if I had arrived in a "No piece". :D

So after getting our dresses, we went back to Mariam's friend's place for a makeover. The outcome ? Hahaha ... I like my painted face. I even put on a pair of heels. So I was definitely getting in the mood of the dinner. Previously, I would just grab whatever's in my wardrobe and not try to upstage the kids. But that was just the graduation dinner.

So after dinner, I had planned to go clubbing with Mariam and a few other people. However, because I was super late for dinner and darling was non too excited about going, I've decided to head on home. I was also exhausted after spending the day running around looking for a dress. Never would I had done that willingly if not for a chance to be a little different.

Seriously, my darling was super cheesed off with me. The thing was, Mariam and I had wanted to pick up my darling on our way to the dinner but because we had over extended our getting ready time, I had to ask him to go ahead first. This was after 45 minutes after dinner had started. I guess, I would be cheesed off too if the shoe's on the other foot.

Darling, I'm so, so sorry. However, I hope you liked the way I looked when I arrived. I know you do like me without my painted face but I want you to see a different me. I want you to be glad that I can clean up well. That I am not wholly bonded to my pair of pants and my flats and sneakers. I want to look good for you and have you proud of me. Not that I know you never had.

Finally, I want to thank you for spending this whole day with me. I am happy just being able to hang out with you.

*hugs*

Not working

I'm so not in the mood to work today. I started the morning with breakfast with D and R. It suddenly dawned on me that today shall be the last day I could have breakfast with my two favourite guys in the office. Next week, Ramadhan would have started and the lunch breaks would be spent stoning slash sleeping in a quiet corner. Hahaha ... The first few days of the fasting month's gonna be difficult until acclimatisation sets in.

After breakfast, I checked the mailbox after having not checked for a few days due to the busyness in ensuring the audit turned out okay. Once I'm done, I was just in time to catch the Teacher's Day concert at the Learning Centre. Funny shit clips and Alan's took the cake. Kudos to him for being brave enough to act as a Geisha, kimono, makeup and all. I like !!! I must check if this would turn up on YouTube and then I can link up the clip.

So now, I'm just back from lunch with R. We went to CoffeeBean at Rail Mall and I had the Eggs Ben. I love that breakfast set. I love the fact that we could get breakfast sets anytime of the day ! And you get coffee too ! I'm major full now. So I'm just gonna stone until the 5 pm bell goes.

More updates soon. Oh. The Graduation / Staff Dinner's tomorrow. No dress !!!

*panics*

Updates and thank you notes

It's a pass. Hollow pass and all.

I'm sorry for the scare yesterday. To Younger Sister and Cheeky Monkey, thank you for your words of encouragement and understanding. Sometimes, I just needed a venting outlet. More often than not, putting it down in black and white helps me gain perspective.

Trust me when I say I would not do anything stupid. I love my life too much to end it suddenly. Unless of course it's time for me to go, that is.

I'm done with the surveillance audit. Two minor non conformities and three observations were picked up at the end of the full day audit. Thank you all for your support. D, R, Jeff, Ellen, Ian, Mr A, Stephen, Rakesh and Mitch. I must include you guys in my thank you speech. I don't think I could have maintained my sanity and composure without the extra help from behind. Thank you, again.

I'd just finished dinner with CM at his place. Played a bit of squash earlier on, my first time. Well, aside from looking like a berk in front of my dearest, I had a good time learning a new ball game. Thanks, honey.

Right then. I should head back soon. Spending a bit more time with my honey. We both were kinda down these couple of days. I'm trying my best to encourange my darling to not give up on us. Well, in a way by encouraging him, I am encouraging myself to not give up. We will fight the good fight as long as the love is within our grasp.

My readers, I love you guys. Do drop me a line or two whenever you can.

XXX

Lousy person

I'm an ingrate.

I take it as my God given right to sulk and pout and basically get pissed off with him. He who had been so kind to lend me the use of his home, computer and time. He who had been so kind to indulge me when all I deserve is a tight slap.

So here I am, at home trying to rationalise my actions earlier. Wasting precious time in unnecessary and skewed version of my truth. Am I trying to make it easier for him to hate me ? Or at least dislike me intensely ?

I need a hug and a kiss for the times I feel so lonely and alone. I'm feeling lonely and alone right now. I switched off my mobile, telling myself I can harden my heart and not miss his voice. And now, I'm weeping like a baby who's lost her anchor.

Why am I doing this to myself ? Why do I think I don't deserve happily ever after ? Why am I sabotaging myself ? Why do I think that I won't be missed when I am gone ? Why am I even thinking of dying now ?

Mood: Destructive to one's own interests aka suicidal

With love comes great battles

Who said that love is easy ? Falling in love may come easy for some. Staying in love is one of the most time consuming and abstruse act that one has to sustain.

To stay in love means to have tolerance and patience to make the relationship work. To stay in love means to discover the interesting and yet unknown facets of the other party. To stay in love means to be able to come together and tell the world that no matter what happens, I have chosen my mate and I will be with him for the rest of my natural life.

The idea of loving someone else is to have faith in life and the belief that you are a unit with him as you work your way through the trials of life. You ensure that the needs of the other party is taken care of. The wisdom to let him make his choices and understand that there is causality in his decisions.

CM told me that his dad had given him an ultimatum. To give him a peace of mind these few years in his life. To not bring shame to the family and completely sever all ties with me. To be with someone more suited as his life partner. In terms of religion, status and looks.

Even now, I'm still hurting from the obvious parental disapproval. I know I am not the perfect person I'd like to think I am. But I am perfect for him. I believe we are meant to be together.

Every day that I see him, I am contented. I am happy to see his face, with or without facial hair. I smile when I think of all the goofy things he did to cheer me up when I get into one of my moods. I am thankful that he is able and willing to guide and advise me so patiently.

After all that's been said and done, do we have the energies to fight for something that everyone thinks is wrong ?

Work ...

If I want to live and survive.

If I want to zombify my existence.

If I want to contribute to society.

If I want to, I can NOT work.

Give me my holiday !

You who thinks you know better

I am in denial. And full of delusions.

I need to think before I speak.
I need to think before I speak.
I need to think before I speak.

I kept wondering if all the acquiescence all these years was worth the mental breakdown now. I kept telling myself I've had enough of the empty promises and the placating words. And that enough is enough. That no one else can bully nor "strongly advise" me to do something I don't want to.

I am in need of a change. I need a change of lifestyle. I need a change of environment. I need a change of pace. I DEMAND my change to come soon. As soon as humanly possible.

So for now, I will just remember to breathe. Each breath as deeply as my lungs expand. I am praying for my sanity. I pray for patience and more tolerance to the people who don't understand. And as I pray, I pray for the strengthening of my bond with Cheeky Monkey.

Thank you for the stabilising factor in my life.

I *heart* you, loads.

The End of the Big O

I'm watching the closing ceremony of the Olympics Games 2008. I wish I am currently with Cheeky Monkey watching the event in his room on his bed. Just cuddling and trying to warm up. It's been raining since I got home in the afternoon.

Well, it started raining even before I reached home. I just want to snuggle up close and share warmth with my dearest. Seriously mans. I am a besotted lady. I had spent the entire weekend with him and yet, I am still missing his presence right now.

B A B Y ... I miss you !!! :(

I need to complete an article I owed a colleague for the school magazine. I need to mentally prepare myself for the upcoming audit. I need to submit all the backlogged Student's Pass application. I need to clear all the SPS I've put off doing since, oh God knows when. So much things to do, just a couple of hands to do them.

I had a very interesting conversation with CM last night while I was cooped up in his room when his squash buddies came over for dinner. CM wanted to introduce me to the 2 other buds who had not known of my presence in CM's life. I declined his kind invite. Why ? Well ... I didn't think it was right or rather appropriate. So CM wanted to accompany me and we talked. About his faith and his belief. About my faith and my belief.

Ah.

I understand, honey. I respect you, honey. I love you, regardless.

B A B Y ... I miss you !!! :(

Tell me how I can ever stop missing you ?

Not hard enough

I am typing this post on Cheeky Monkey's computer. I crashed at his place after my work function last night. Ma called up earlier to ask if I'll be home today. I said, yeah but I won't commit the time. CM's off playing squash with his buddies so here I am all alone in his room.

I wanted to pop by the office to pick up my files to complete, or at the very least sort out my audit stuff but well ... The rain does not seem to want to stop and I am getting lazier by the minute to get out of bed. I had a bit of a connection problem earlier so I am making sure I get to post this before I shower and get ready to head home.

I am spending more and more time here with CM. I think I should just take up residence here. CM's gonna have an extra room soon after one of his housemate move to China. Maybe I should start paying my fair share of rental here. Silly girl, I know.

I want to be able to live without guilt or reservations. Ah. I think it's not possible, no ?

All right then. Time to hit the showers. I hope by the time I am done, the slight drizzle would have abated and I can pick up my work things before I say goodbye.

Wish me luck ... *crosses fingers*

Help me, I'm jaded ...

Met up with Sam and Kav the other night. We had a fun meet up. I intro-ed Sam to my guy for the first time. He (Sam) had known of the other guy in my life through my blog page. He (Sam) didn't really get a chance to grill me about him (CM). More like I was evading the questions. So anyways, Sam had to go off earlier and so it was just me and Kav and CM. Seriously, they clicked so well. I did tell CM if we had not hooked up, I would have intro-ed him to Kav. :)

I'm feeling kinda sick of work at the moment. I just feel so yucky and weirded out by everything. I am just hoping to get through each day at a time. Just taking things slow and hoping for the best. I hope I didn't breakdown mentally before my time is up.

Tempers have been short as the days chalks up. People in the office had been kinda frustrated with one another and casualties are bound to happen. I have been keeping to my official work hours and maximising my break times, official or otherwise. Things are so not pretty at work.

Anyways, I am off to a school function thingy soon. I guess I am too boring for words these days ... Boring, boring, boring ... But tonight, I can boing, boing, boing .... ;)

Pass me over, didja ?

My eyes hurt like thousands pin pricks are assaulting them. I took a break earlier after staring at the computer screen since after lunch. My head's pounding and my heart rate's slowing down. Can a dead person still work ?

I've got a kinda dinner date with Kav and Sam tonight. It'll just be a coffee date as we didn't make much plans prior to meeting up. Sam's back on sunny Singapore for a few days before flying off to Shanghai to get ready for his new school term. Fun and joy ... :D

I wish I have the moolah to continue my studies. What a blissful life that is. No worries about pleasing people. No need to play any politics with the people you "work" with. All you need to do is study and clear your exams well. I used to wish for time to pass by quickly. Over with school, over with tests and exams. Move on to another branch of life. Being independent and earning your own living, making your way in the world.

Then you reach that stage and you realised that it's all not that worth it. The chase, the hurry in wanting to complete a period of your life is not equivalent to the outcome. So you are disappointed from the start. Where do you go from now then ?

A little nudge, a little shove and you still in that box. You have no give, no leeway to spread your wings. Was it all worth it ?

Mood: Introspective

Why do we persist ?

And we insist that our way is always the right way ?

Cheeky Monkey read my Sunday's post and he disagreed mostly with what I had to say. Was my perspective of the whole situation wrong ? Did the message that was put across confusing ? Could I have done a better way of expressing myself ? Did I even have to express what I was feeling ?

Firstly, I am not disputing any comments or opinions of my kind readers. Everyone's entitled to a piece of their mind. I am just afraid of putting things across in the wrong light. Would it have helped me, if say, I'm seen as a good person and the other party was totally in the wrong ?

The point of all that was written was to give a semblance of thoughts churning in my head. If I had somehow misled you into thinking that I was right and CM was wrong, I apologise for my words. The intention was to put all things in perspective. To work out the kinks in our relationship.

At times, our partnership is not the best in the world. We have our silly arguments, we have our petty disagreements. We may pout and we may sulk. I may throw the occasional temper tantrums and he may exhibit a resigned disposition. We would then come together and vent our anger or dissatisfaction over our behaviours. But at the end of the day, we would always come to this same conclusion.

The journey of our life together may be tough and arduous but we will persevere. We want us and that's the most crucial school of thought for now.

"Short of love, we will never come together.
Short of temper, love will dissipate."

~ Blessed ~ Elton John

Hey you

You're a child in my head
You haven't walked yet
Your first words have yet to be said
But I swear you'll be blessed

I know you're still just a dream 
Your eyes might be green
Or the bluest that I've ever seen
Anyway you'll be blessed

And you

You'll be blessed
You'll have the best
I promise you that
I'll pick a star from the sky
Pull your name from a hat
I promise you that, promise you that, promise you that
You'll be blessed

I need you before I'm too old
To have and to hold
To walk with you and watch you grow
And know that you're blessed

Was I wrong ?

Before I started up the computer, I had so much things that I wanted to write here. I had so much things to tell him of why I said what I said. I called him to tell him that rather than go the whole wide world way. I called both numbers but he didn't answer.

I thought he was ignoring me because of the way he ended the conversation earlier. I thought this was it for us. It fired me up. I was more determinded than ever to pour out my feelings and thoughts here.

And then he called back.

All I had wanted to say flew out the window. All I had wanted to explain just vamooshed out to the black hole of my mind. I told him it didn't matter anymore. He was naturally peeved at that statement. Then I tried to explain but I think I made it worse.

So now, I am sitting here, collecting my thoughts. Thinking if I was wrong when I stated what I did.

Consider this.

You have agreed to meet up with your mates even though you are not too excited about the location of the meet up. You mention this to your dearest one the day before and she was non-committal. You called your girl an hour plus before the meet up to say you are definitely going. Your girl was not too happy with your decision but hey, you have made it. But then you decided not to go because your dearest was unhappy.

She insisted that you go anyway because you had wanted to go and made the decision as such. That you're going or not is based on what you want and not what your dearest say or do. So she reacted. So she said that what she said don't matter. That your decision to go or not is based on you.

You were out with your mates late last night so you had a lie in today. You were tired and exhausted and stoned (your word) when you texted her last night. She told you to go home and rest but you still wanted to wait for another friend to go home together. Then you asked her if she wanted him to be charged with the full cab fare home. She's thinking you didn't have to take a cab if you had left earlier when it was not that late. You could still catch a cheaper mode of transport home.

She wanted you to go earlier because she cares about you. She knows that you need to rest and what did you do ? You made it like she forced your hand on leaving. That you made her feel guilty for cutting short your social life. Why ?

And today, you are meeting your mates in less than 2 hours before you called your dearest. Which means you can only spare a few moments with her before you get ready to go. She was up early waiting for her dearest to ring her because, again last night ended on a bad note. She called you once earlier on the chance you might be up but you didn't answer the phone. She left a text for you asking you to call her. She didn't call anymore after that because she knows you had a long day yesterday and it ended badly with her. When you did call, it was to tell her you are meeting up with your mates soon. So she reacted.

She reacted because 1) you were tired due to the late night the day before; 2) you were quite half-hearted when you mention the meet up the day before; 3) you had to work on your friend's video and that she thought today would be a good day to do it since there are less distractions; 4) you mentioned that you disliked going out on Sundays before; 5) you only had a few minutes to spare her because you will be out and about.

Granted that you see your dearest every day during the week so you guess that you can play catch up later or even tomorrow. She knows that you need time for yourself and she's not against that entirely. She just thinks that you need to sort your priorities.

She is not saying that she has to be your first and top most priority. Different situations called for different decisions. She just hope that you make the right decisions and choices. She hope that you realise that whatever she said was for your own good and that it was with your best interests at heart.

Angry she is not. It's just the disappointment that her actions was misconstrued as being too controlling.

Wedding Belle

I just came back from Fie's wedding function. I went with Cheeky Monkey because he had never been to a Malay wedding before. It was a long day for us and I was feeling a little light headed on the train journey over.

We didn't stay very long because CM had a meet up with his mates at about 8 pm. So after I dropped him off at Dhoby Ghaut station (we took the same train down, he alighted first so I dropped him off !), I just stoned all the way home.

Dropped off my cheque for the exam invigilation done in the day and I reached home just then. I was contemplating switching the computer to blog but decided not to so I am writing this down the traditional way.

I will transfer this post later if I'm up at an ungodly hour.

My Ma baked a cake and it's chocolate. Yummy ! I had a few slices while catching up with Ma. I will be going over to Elder Sis place tomorrow. Need to catch up with all the goss from my sisters. I missed the nieces and nephews. :D

Right. I need a bit of a shut eye soon. Still busy texting with Younger Sis. CM had not replied to my earlier text ...

Life improves

Thank you Darling.

For the introduction of your friends to me. For asking me to accompany you for a dinner with them. For being comfortable with us.

Good company, nice food, happy person.

I must say though, that the pre-dinner movie was hmmmmmmm .....

Okay, gotta sleep now. Long day tomorrow. :D

Dinner, dinner, dinner

What a dinner !

I had a little too much to eat, what with the different dishes and wonderful soup. Tom Yam soup, mmmmmm ....

I had suggested going for dinner earlier since D and TRace came back from their holiday. So tonight was the night. The six of us plonked our butts down on the seats and dishes suggestions were thrown out.

I was hungry but I didn't have any special preferences for the kind of food to be had as long as they be halal and edible. Mr G wanted satay and that came first. Trace took the menu but couldn't decide on what to have. She passed it over to R and again some items were narrowed down. Bro Izam eventually took over the menu and placed the order. Both D and I were the ones not fussing over the food. Have nice food, we are happy. :D

Once we are done with dinner, we couldn't decide where to go. So Bro Izam suggested we get desserts and have them at a park or something. Someone else suggested going to R's place. And so there is where we ended up.

Or rather, the six of us ended up in R's room. Watched the Olympics for about an hour with the dessert. Very soon, the satisfying dinner caught up with each of us and Trace and Mr G were getting sleepier by the minute.

So we left. I hitched a ride with Mr G and D and Trace got a ride from Bro Izam.

I'm crashing as soon as I'm done here.

Done !

zzzzzzzzzzzzz ......

Hey you, like me much ?

I have just reached home from Cheeky Monkey's place. No more staying over, not that I am unwelcome. It's just that he worries of Ma's tongue lashing. Personally I am not. The rebel in me knows that I get more than I should and I'm gone.

I will be mentally zoned out. It may hurt, but I'll get over the hurt because I can be on my own two feet.

So anyways, I was reluctant to leave because I am just too tired. I left work late and was not a happy camper at that. I got into a silly tiff with Cheeky Monkey over dinner plans. So I walked and I walked and took a bus to go home.

Half way through the journey, CM called to apologise. I was wrong and yet he did the apologising. My guy, what a great fella. I'm sorry for being such a shit person at times. So I turned back and decided to go back to his place.

I wanted to leave earlier but I was too lazy and tired to go. I thought I could just crash at his place but he put his foot down and so I went.

Honey, don't you worry about me. I will be okay.

Beijing Olympics

It had started a few days ago.

Thank you for the cable at Cheeky Monkey's place. I got to watch a few events. Not a major fan of any particular sport except for the occasional Man U matches. Any hope for medals so do not lie in our current batch of athletes.

Support Team Singapore, says all the posters.

Well, support I do but reward us with our support. Bring us the glory that you promise. After all, you get paid megabucks if and when you do !

Monday again, eh ?

I'm just writing a short post now. I don't know when I will find the time to publish this. Perhaps later in the week ?

I'm back in the office for a bit now. I am helping an ex-student invigilate her exam.

Finally I slept at home last night. Accompanied Cheeky Monkey to a chalet organised by one of his mates at Changi. I met a few of his Uni mates and they were a really nice bunch of people. Then I met one of his mate whom he had a crush on before. Weird vibe I got from her. Hahaha ... Maybe it's just me. *shrugs*

I spent the weekend at Cheeky Monkey's place. A bit of fireworks of our own on National Day. The kind that will burn us if we keep it up. I shall not say more.

The fault lies entirely on this temperamental person.

I will be meeting him for lunch later, luckily it's a no school day for me. Another entire day for me to waste on the non-audit planning.

Bad, bad girl ...

We don't need no education

It's Friday, the eve of National Day. Work's as per norm today even though the kids and teachers were given the day off today. So it's really quiet.

It's just me and R in the office right now. The rest had gone for lunch outside and Boss is busy with the new P. The other office's kinda quiet too. The only thing to be heard are the humming of the aircon and the clicking of keys as I'm typing away.

I had a good breakfast today, filling so lunch is a million miles away from my mind. I'd just made Milo-Coffee mix and am right now savouring the aroma of chocolate in the air.

As mentioned before, I have tonnes of things to clear but the mood is so in the party zone. I just wanna stone at home or at his place. Just stone like I did yesterday.

I'm in my national colours today. If I take off my red polo T, I'd be one member of the parliament. All white garb from top to bottom. All I need to do now is find a constituency.

Hmmmm ...

My room's my constituency ? As well as Cheeky Monkey's room ?

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha .......

*fades*

The Dark Knight

I'm watching that movie tonight !!!

I was not that willing to go but Cheeky Monkey wants to watch it again. Well ... Playing hard to get, I teased him a little but seriously, I've heard gooooood comments about The Joker character ...

So I'm watching it ... Then again, it was a toss up between The X-Files: I Want To Believe ...

Oh wells, I'll watch TXF:IWTB with Sam ... How about that, dear ? :D

We do it my way ...

I scream and I shout and I stamp my feet.

I am happy today. He is happy today. We are happy today.

Tomorrow ?

We'll talk about tomorrow, tomorrow ... Then it will be today.

~Joy~

:)

Monday, hmmm ... Monday

I don't know mans. It's another off day for me. I took the Ma for her doc's appointment and all was well.

Her liver enzymes levels had dropped significantly although they are still above the normal range. As mentioned, her blood sugar and HB1AC levels had also dropped significantly.

I'm so proud of my Ma. :D