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Thursday, July 31, 2008

Holiday Blues

Trace and D are going on a short holiday.

I wish I could go on a short holiday with my dearest. Just to get away from here and have a bit of quiet coupley time together. Even though he has his own place, it's still different from having a short break just for us.

Perhaps I should plan something soon before the end of the year. I want to go away !!!

So anyways, meeting up with Mariam later together with a few other people to send this couple off.

*sighs*

So nice, isn't it ?

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Birthday Bunny



Happy Birthday, Darling.

I love you and I hope you love this little "gag gift" I've got for you !

XXX

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Saver Tuesday

It's such a slow day today. Granted I have tonnes of stuff to clear but I'm just a tad too lazy to complete them all. I've started parts of the work I needed to clear before I go on a 2 days leave for my Ma's medical appointment. I wish I am compel to be motivated enough to start on my audit planning.

I'm so failing this round of surveillance audit, mans ...

On the plus point, Mariam's gonna be coming back to apply her work visa. I get to see my sister !!!

I missed her, tonnes !

:D

Monday, July 28, 2008

Gimme my freedom !!

So says the lady with the baggage.

Come in dear child. I want to be the one to make you believe. When you hear this you will understand when I need to be freed.

Take, take all you want of me. Don't deceive nor decry the unfairness of it all. Leave some space for your happiness.

I will. Thank you for not wanting to indulge in the fantasies. I want you to know, be not the future when the future does not know who we are.

And so the the story begins.

Or does it end when it ends ?

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Sunday, I'm fine

I had a little too much to eat for breakfast. Now that's lunch ready I am putting off the eating until dinner time. Delish food from Ma.

Ayu and I snacked on cockles earlier. Now she's asleep when I was supposed to tutor her in her Maths. The darling girl woke up and watched tv until about 1 pm. I was up early but went back to bed a few times to nurse the headache. Too much sleep and too little caffeine. :D

Just a little recap from Friday night. Met with Fie at PS, had dinner at Swensen's. Guess who was NOT there ? Sha. Seriously, I am not surprised. She does this "urgent matter" thing quite frequently. Well, as frequently as we would meet up. Anyways, shall not dwell on this matter.

Cheeky Monkey came along for the dinner and the 3 of us had such a nice time at the dinner. Well, I had an absolutely fun time, with 2 of my favourite people. :D Thank you guys for being there ! I heart you !

Okay. I shall stop writing now. Must do something constructive with my time. Like plan for my internal audit. *sighs* :(

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Not just another dinner

So this dinner was full of intentions. Good intentions. To thank Ma for being so patient with my "disappearing" acts. To OM for his energy in not nagging me (it's reserved for the Ma to do). To my sisters for their understanding and advices. To my nieces and nephews, just because I love them. To my bro-in-laws for being part of our crazy, somewhat misunderstood family.

We went down to Bedok Food Centre, everyone minus WM, Madtir and Abi. Younger Sis and hubby joined us a bit later, after we went nuts ordering food, loads of food. We had satay (50 sticks !), mutton soup, mee kuah, fried kway teow with fresh cockles and dried sotong. OM got bread to eat with the soup and Ma got ketupat to eat with the satay.

We had to wait for ages for the satay and fried kway teow. By then I was already half full from drinking the coconut water I ordered. I tried a little of the mee kuah before I found a few pieces of mutton floating in the gravy. That's when I stopped eating the mee kuah, delicious as it was. I just felt too guilty eating red meat these days, even though it's just mutton. I stayed away from the mutton soup but Yayah absolutely love the "meat" pieces. It was more tongue soup. Carnivorous family we are.

Then when YS and hubby arrived and they settled down to eat and when OM went away for a smoke I told Ma about Cheeky Monkey. In not so many words, I told her that I have a BF now and she said she knows. She asked if it's him and I answered in the affirmative. Elder Sis said that she knew it ages back when CM came over to help with something. Then Ma said OM also knew that he was my guy. So I asked Ma if it's okay and she said something that made me grin big-big.

She said, "*Pilihan masing-masing."

Eventually, 2 hours after we sat down for dinner, we got up from the much coveted seats. This was after some of us had second round of drinks and desserts. YS and hubby rode off and the rest of us trudged to the bus stop. Too full and fulfilled to think about doing anything else.

ES and Yayah took a different bus to her in-laws place and so Ma, OM, Ayu and I took the wonderful service 45 home. I have just finished my shower and thinking of looking through the papers for job adverts. But seriously I think I will crash and burn soon.

CM had organised a birthday dinner thing with his mates so most likely I won't hear from him until tomorrow. But that's okay. I have such nice news for him.

*Roughly translated as Everyone's choice. It essentially meant that Ma understands it's my choice to be with him. As I've said before, I've still a long haul to go. I knew that she would not object in one issue but she might object in the other big one. Little earthquakes.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Dinner ... What dinner ?

So the dinner with the Boss was a total flop. Boss was too busy with other more important people than having dinner with his department even though he was the one who made the appointment and thus making it compulsory for all of us to go. It goes to show where his priorities lay, no ?

So anyways, I am not bitter. No point being angry and all those negative emotions. I still have my dinner plans with my two pals. Just hoping that it will not be cancelled though. Although even if it was not meant to happen, I'll always have Plan B. Hang out at my dear's place !

*grins*

It's pay day today. And it's the end of the week. Have fun people !!! :D

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Bop, bop, bip

I'm feeling a little crazy and sleepy and worried and angry and loud and small and emotive and depressed and self-absorbed and many more things.

A dinner thing with the people in the office tonight. If only I could beg off it. Another dinner thing tomorrow night with Fie and Sha. I, most definitely cannot beg off the appointment.

I just want to sleep. I so want to sleep forever and ever.

Stop the electrical impulses to the brain cells. Stop the beating of the heart. Stop the expansion and constriction of the alveoli. Stop all consciousness. Four letter word is the final outcome.

Come and take my soul away.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

The calm before the storm

So earlier this morning I arrived home, bleary-eyed and stone-faced. Ma was already up, to make sure the cats and kittens are all able to do their business and get their morning feed and exercise.

I walked into my room, put down my bag and took out the clothes from yesterday to be placed in the laundry bin. I then took my towel and walked to the bathroom for a shower. Ma saw me and asked me if I had just arrived home. I said yes, and she asked me if I'd been cabbing home these past few times I was home early. I answered in the positive and quickly walked into the bathroom.

When I came out from my shower, Ma was frying something on the stove. I didn't ask so she didn't tell me anything. I got ready quickly and as usual, looked for her before I leave the house to give Ma a goodbye kiss whenever she's up and about in the mornings. I confirmed the time to meet her for her liver scan today and told her to have her lunch there after her blood tests as she's been fasting since 10 pm the night before.

She told me she had packed breakfast and sent me to the door, while watching the kitties run around along the corridor. She asked me if the reason I came home late these days was because I was looking for a part time job. My answer ? The affirmative. As I was walking away, this thought came to my head, "Yeah, part time job in being a wife !"

So tell me, dear readers. The calm before the storm strikes of just smooth sailing weather throughout ?

For the record, it rained cats and dogs and then some, on my way to work today.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Make mine sweeter than the rest

I'll say that to Him if He had given me a voice to choose how to live my life. I'll request for some things in my life to be simpler and sweeter. I'll request for less complexities and more contentment in this short period that I'm alive.

I'll make my life's choices as straight and objective as I know how to. I'll be the one person whom I should have been without compromising on my love, integrity and needs.

I'll demand for fairness and justice and understanding and tolerance for each one of us who are different. I wish for the sameness in all those differences.

For now, I find joy in the little things I do. I find happiness with the people I care about. I am glad to be able to see each new mornings and the fall of the night. I am delighted that life holds so much promise every minute that my heart beats a steady rhythm.

I am blessed to have the love of the best love of my life. So here I am. Wishing love, joy and happiness to all.

And with that .....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY D !!!!

*grins*

Monday, July 21, 2008

Can we say infatuation ?

I've just heard from Cheeky Monkey that one of his colleagues had shown interest in him. There were a few occasions when she had purposely asked him things when there were a few other people with the technical know how.

Hmmmmmm ....

Am I jealous ?

Well.

Technically I am not the jealous sort except when it comes to she-who-shall-not-be-named. I guess, my favourite guy just has this friendly, sociable disposition that everyone wants a piece of him.

Me ?

I'm just happy he chose me over the rest.

*hugs* To my favourite guy in the whole wide world !!

Sunday, July 20, 2008

I'm lazy

I had a very late breakfast just now. I was up early but I was lazing in my huge sofa-bed. I finished the Garfield comic book that Cheeky Monkey loaned me.

Showered at about 10 am. Waited for CM to call.

Made coffee and had breakfast. Waited for CM to call.

Played Spider Solitaire. Called CM no answers both on the mobile and landline.

Continued with Spider Solitaire. CM called back to say he had just woken up and that he will call back later.

Played more Spider Solitaire. Played Solitaire. Updated my blog.

Waiting for CM to call. Chatting with Trace. Will have lunch soon. :D

Saturday, July 19, 2008

It's a more of a see you later

I popped down to Terminal 1 this afternoon to send Dins off. She's flying to Surabaya for a good post in a good school. Dins, if you happen to catch this post, I wish you all the very best. Have fun in the new environment. If God's willing, we will meet soon. I know for sure we will meet in December at Jas' wedding. Take care, dear !

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have just rearranged my room lay out. Elder Sister delivered the blue sofa I had "choped" so many months ago. Right now, I need the hugest bookcase known to man to keep all my books and knick knacks. All the souvenirs people had given me throughout my years at work.

Every single item will get a special place in my hugest bookcase known to man. They will be kept dust free with the glass cases covering the books and knick knacks. I am pretty pysched with the current look of my room. It's like a huge sleeping area. :D

So no more excuses for me not to come home at night to sleep !

Right, dinner time. I've made a special instant noodle mixture.

Mmmmmmmmmmmm .....

Smells yummy, tastes even better. I'm so crashing out after this huge bowl of noodles !!!

Friday, July 18, 2008

Good advices

I have just got home from work today. Home as in my first home and not my third home as I'd been doing this whole week. My ma nagged a little when I got home this morning. I know, terribly naughty of me.

I, however, would love to be at Cheeky Monkey's place again, just waiting for him to finish his social obligations tonight. However, much as I love to be there, I believe, we need time away from each other. As I'd mentioned to him numerous times, we are so much like an old married couple. I like it though. :D

So earlier this evening, Cheryl had given advice on how we as a couple should unite and face our battles. As you guys know, CM and I are of different faiths and because of this, we face the biggest obstacles from both sets of parents. Each set wants either one of us to be of the same faith. But conversion to one is a major no-no for us. So therein lies our battle with the parents. CM and I are both of the same school of thought of non-conversion. And also to bring up our kids with our faiths and let them decide which is best for them.

So this weekend, I am going to be thinking. How to break the news of CM and I to the parents (or possibly, just the Ma first).

Wish me luck. :)

Thursday, July 17, 2008

And baby turns one ...

Anaqi aka Hakim Mudim turns a month old today ! He's such a lovely baby, well ... Aside from the crying and hmmmm ... The crying, he's a lovely baby. My sister's such a patient and wonderful mother. Waking up at weird hours for his feeding. Cuddling him close when he needs that extra attention. I wonder if I can be such a wonderful mother to my future kids ...

So anyways, I met up with Dins and Sarah for dinner at Vivo City. Dins will be flying to Indonesia this coming Saturday. Seems like good job teaching opportunities are opening up in Indo. I wonder if it's time for me to get my teaching training ...

Naaahhh ...

I'm such an impatient bugger that I think the kids will all try to strangle me in class ! Hahaha ... Suffice to say, teaching was never in my soul. So there you have it. Not a natural born teacher, I am.

I'm just having a bit of a chat with Sam right now. Again on borrowed computer (Thanks Cheeky Monkey for allowing me to use your toy !). I missed that fella. Ah, anyways he's gonna be based nearer to our island in a few short weeks. China to be precise. Much nearer than the UK. Well, since I don't get to visit him in the UK, I must find the opportunity to visit him while he's studying in Shanghai.

So there we have it ... My boring life. Another update on another night. :D

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

My love letter to you

Dearest Cheeky Monkey,
 
Where do I start ? How should I begin ? Would it be sufficient to say that a moment of madness seized me and took away my sanity ? Would it be alright for me to find excuses for what I said last night ?
 
All I know is that in trying to spare you from pain and heartache in the future, I cut you the deepest now. I am so very sorry. I have this inate ability to hurt the very people I care about. I always feel that I am not good for you. You deserve someone better. I want to be that someone to you. Someone better who don't demand too much of you. Someone who allows you to be who you are. You are so gentle and kind and understanding and yet I am not.
 
I can apologise numerous times, I hope my apologies do not come too late. I seek your forgiveness for every transgressions I've ever done to you. I hope you find it in your heart to accept my mistakes. For now, I promise you no more nonsense from me. No more bad thoughts, no more what ifs. You are a big boy and you know who and what is good for you. If I am, then I am and I will be good.
 
I love you. My heart just expands when I think of you. When I see you, I smile because I know I'm yours. I want to be with you, to be able to absorb your being into me.
 
Dear heart. I'm yours as you're mine. Always. Forever.
 
Your love,
 
HelLie

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Say when

You get to my age, you will understand.

You have fun, don't forget the tears.

You make someone smile, another star shines brighter.

You masturbate, God kills a kitten.

:D

Monday, July 14, 2008

The Enduring One

Charming but aggressive.
Can come off as boring, but they are not.
Hard workers.
Warm-hearted.
Strong, has endurance.
Solid beings that are stable and secure in their ways.
Not looking for shortcuts.
Take pride in their beauty.
Patient and reliable.
Make great friends and give good advice.
Loving and kind.
Loves hard - passionate.
Express themselves emotionally.
Prone to ferocious temper-tantrums.
Determined.
Indulge themselves often.
Very generous.

12 years of bad Luck if you do not forward.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Misplaced and misunderstood

I have misplaced something I thought was not that important to me. Now that the thing's missing, I feel like tearing up my whole room to look for it at every nook and cranny. And yet, I have this sneaking suspicion that it got tipped over into my waste basket. And that my dad had cleaned out the trash just recently.

So.

In a couple of words.

Thrown out.

Arrghhh ...

I am such a f***ed up cow.

*breathes in*

*breathes out*

On the plus point, I cleaned my bathroom last night. The gunk, oh my gosh ... Don't mention the scrubbing of the tiles and walls. So enthusiatic I was about cleaning away the gunk, I slipped and fell on my butt ! Thank goodness for the extra padding. *grins*

I've been up since 6 this morning. I guess I am so used to waking up early just watching him sleep. So here I am trying my darnest not to think of him too much. I have my own life to live. I need to do more stuff on my own. Ah. If only I can keep to my resolve.

Okay, people. A resolution for me next week. No more hanging out at his place. To work, then back home. I need to think clearly. I need time for myself.

Wish me luck.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Home at last

I've been spending way too much time away from home. Previously, I can say that I go home to sleep and then go off to work. Now, I'm barely even home long enough to sleep. I am home just to shower and have a change of clothes.

Everyone who knows of the hours I keep had advised me to just keep spare clothes over at his place. Then I won't even have to go home at all. I want to but yet I can't. It's not time yet. And now that I am home, my own home, I know that it's really not time to be there permanently.

We need time away from each other. Well, there is the sadness in saying goodbye. And that the mind plays that dirty trick of making you so unsure and insecure. But once I'm in my own bed, I know. My heart knows.

Even when he didn't call me to tell me he's safe and sound, my heart knows. So now, here I am. Typing away on my own computer. In my room. Going to bed alone.

Now, if only I can put up photos of us without any guilt.

*grins*

Friday, July 11, 2008

Time for the cock to roost

I'm broody.

I want to brood.

I want a brood of my own.

I'm broody.

*grins*

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Near miss

A few seconds I'd hesitated and gosh. I don't know, I'd probably be lying in a hospital bed right now. Or worse, on the morgue table. I'm not trying to be morbid here but these past few weeks, I'd had skirmishes with cars and near misses.

About a month and a half ago, I was almost knocked down while crossing at a pedestrian crossing, when the green man light was on. And just last night, wow. Seriously, if I had hesitated that few seconds from crossing the road, the car would have banged me nice and good.

Thinking about it on the way back, I realised how in a few seconds, life could end. So for that I am grateful to see another day. To say "I love you"s to all the important people in my life.

I LOVE YOU, my kind, wonderful readers !!!

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Birthday Shout out !

To my good buddy, Jer !!!

Happy Birthday, yo !

We will meet up for a natter soon ! :D

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Another received email

Why do we read Quran, even if we can't understand a single Arabic word????

An old man lived on a farm in the mountains of eastern Kentucky with his young grandson. Each morning Grandpa was up early sitting at the kitchen table reading his Qur'an. His grandson wanted to be just like him and tried to imitate him in every way he could.

One day the grandson asked, 'Grandpa! I try to read the Qur'an just like you but I don't understand it, and what I do understand I forget as soon as I close the book. What good does reading the Qur'an do?'

The Grandfather quietly turned from putting coal in the stove and replied, 'Take this coal basket down to the river and bring me back a basket of water.'

The boy did as he was told, but all the water leaked out before he got back to the house. The grandfather laughed and said, 'You'll have to move a little faster next time,' and sent him back to the river with the basket to try again. This time the boy ran faster, but again the basket was empty before he returned home. Out of breath, he told his grandfather that it was impossible to carry water in a basket, and he went to get a bucket instead.

The old man said, 'I don't want a bucket of water; I want a basket of water. You're just not trying hard enough,' and he went out the door to watch the boy try again. At this point, the boy knew it was impossible, but he wanted to show his grandfather that even if he ran as fast as he could, the water would Leak out before he got back to the house. The boy again dipped the basket into river and ran hard, but when he reached his grandfather the basket was again empty.

Out of breath, he said, 'See Grandpa, it's useless!'
'So you think it is useless?' The old man said, 'Look at the basket.'
The boy looked at the basket and for the first time realized that the basket was different.

It had been transformed from a dirty old coal basket and was now clean, inside and out.

'Son, that's what happens when you read the Qur'an. You might not understand or remember everything, but when you read it, you will be changed, inside and out. That is the work of Allah in our lives.'

If you feel this posting is worth reading, please forward to your friends.

Prophet Muhammad (SAW) says: 'The one who guides to good will be rewarded equally'

Received recently

11 PEOPLE ON A ROPE

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.

SEND THIS MAIL TO AN INTELLIGENT WOMAN, SO THAT SHE HAS SOMETHING TO SMILE ABOUT TODAY!

Monday, July 07, 2008

The long and short of it

I'm sick. I'm tired and exhausted. I'm so worn out by the two faceness I had to show him. It's got so bad that I'd deliberately lunched out today. I kept telling R to ignore and disregard his presence, and yet, I can't do it myself.

The urge to up and leave is so strong that I don't really mind being jobless for a few months while looking for better options. But it's a stupid thought really. I've so much commitments that it's almost impossible.

*sighs*

I'm not making much sense here, am I ?

Cold weather and a good lunch company makes one pensive, no ?

Sunday, July 06, 2008

Conversations with my mother

Hey Ma. I just want to let you know that I've got a steady boyfriend now. I'm sure you're aware of this fact, what with me coming home late almost daily. And the not coming home at all some nights. For the record, he's not my first boyfriend, I've had others before. It's just that he's the first serious boyfriend I have.

Serious enough to want to marry him and have his babies. Mother. I love him like I have never loved my other boyfriends before. I want to be with him for always and until death do we part. If God willing.

Mother. I want you to get to know him. I want you to know his heart. To know that he is serious about making me his wife and living together forever. Mother, I want you to know what a good and kind-hearted person he is. I want you to understand that he makes me happy and I make him happy (most times).

I admit, we do have our differences, our goals and priorities. However, I know we can work them out. At the very most, we disagree but we will make up and make things work. I want things to work between us. I want a family with him.

Just one more thing, Mother. He's not like us. He will never be like us. We are not of the same faith and I don't choose for him to be like one of us just so we can marry. Inspite it all, I am in love with him and love him I shall. I know you didn't ask for this. I know I should have come clean earlier. I know you only want me to be happy and he does it for me.

Give us your blessing even if I'm a disappointment in your eyes. I love you like I can never love anyone else. My love for you and my love for him is different. I hope you understand and wish us the best.

If all else fails, imagine how our children will turn out.



Now, if only I have the courage to tell this to her face to face. :D

Saturday, July 05, 2008

Farewell

Mariam left for her new job overseas earlier this afternoon. R and I popped down to T2 to wave goodbye and wish her luck.

Last evening, we went out to East Coast Food Centre with a few other people to have a last makan session. There were just us 2 gals with the rest being boys. A huge crowd of 10 people occupied a nice little corner of the food centre and enjoyed the food and company. A few loud laughs from yours truly punctuated the otherwise quiet corner.

After the late dinner (the guys were actually from a futsal training earlier in the evening), we decided to walk down the beach front. Just to talk and chat and basically wait for the food to be digested. I must say we stayed there for over 2 hours. It was a most fun night. Mr G, D, R, Cher, Roi, Ian G, Mr Puni, Bro Izam, Mariam and I. The whole gang minus Trace and Ed H. We are the fun bunch. We are the TC gang.

Sad, I was, definitely when we said our goodbyes at the airport just now. I was such a weepy cow, that I had tears in my eyes when she crossed the gate. The thing that stopped me from full blown crying was the fact that R was there (didn't want him to think of me as a wimpy little cow ! Heh !) and that Mariam's family were all so composed, especially her younger sister.

So anyways, Mariam had invited us to come and visit her and I'm planning to make a trip down with Cheeky Monkey. When I told my Ma that Mariam is working overseas and the area she's at is pretty accessible, Ma was on about visiting.

Okay.

I'm typing this away on borrowed computer. Currently I am over at CM's after finishing up at the airport. He's gonna have to go for a work thing in a bit and he's in the shower right now. So I'd better make this a quick one and end fast. For the record, I'm loving the typing on his new lap top. The buttons are so smooth. The screen is so shiny. The connection is pretty decent.

I'm loving his toy ! I'm loving him, period.

*muacks*

Friday, July 04, 2008

Hair For Hope 2008

Hey people, surf on to this site.

I've done my online pledge for a good cause. Please do your part. At the very least, spread the word to as many people as possible. Come by the event this Sunday, 06 July 2008 at Velocity@Novena Square.

R's gonna be shaving his head for this fund raising programme. Please donate generously here !

Thursday, July 03, 2008

Why me ?

I'm in my depression mode again. Again, I'm feeling sorry for myself. Again, I'm feeling self-destructive.

This feeling of unhappiness and abandonment had been shadowing me for the past few months. Not that I feel this way every single day of the month. Most of the time, the "attacks" come when I'm all alone in the office, trying my darnest to clear the mountains of paperwork.

It's so depressing to not be able to go home when I think I should. I know that I managed to leave the office early yesterday. But the work that I did not clear for that slightly over an hour of early off time is doubled today. There are so many things that needed my attention and yet I cannot fulfil them all in the 8 plus hours I'm in the office.

Have I lost my efficiency ? Have I lost my drive ? Have I lost my interest ? Is the disillusion and disenchantment so overpowering that I cannot feel happy anymore ?

I thought I could spend a bit of time with him. I thought I could have a bit of quiet time with him. He, however, had been invited over to his friend's place. How then can I ask him to cancel ? How can I grow so dependent on our time together every single day ? I guess, spending that little time with him gets me away from the stress at work. I thought he might feel that some days, I just want to laze around and not do anything at all. Just to be with him. Even to do mundane things like read a book while he's on the net or something. Sometimes, I feel that we don't even have to go out for a date. We could stay in and read the papers or just talk. Maybe, I'm just projecting some of the Hollywood coupley things to do. Maybe, I'm just not communicating enough. *shrugs*

Okay, I'm getting a tad bit weepy, just thinking about work and my life in general. Seriously, people. I think I'm mildly depressed. I am overwhelmed at work. I am overwhelmed at home. I am overwhelmed with all things with him. I need a time out. I need a personal time out to be with myself. I need to assess my priorities, my needs and my capabilities. I need 8 full hours of sleep.

I know that sleep is not the answer to every complexity of life. But I know it's a start. I need a clear perspective of my life's journey. Does it end when it does ? Or can I still exercise control at the end of it all ?

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Stoned and super stoned !

I crawled into bed after 3 am this morning. My alarm buzzed at 5 am and I snoozed for a few more minutes before forcing myself into the shower. Granted I did snooze for a bit over at Cheeky Monkey's place last night but sleep deprivation was the order of the night.

I met up with the Prudential lady, who came up with a pretty attractive policy for me to take up. I need to do a bit of reading up of the policy and come up with ways to free up some of my expenses and I might just be able to afford the premium. *tsks*

After which, I had dinner with CM and crashed over at his place. The intention was to just stay for a couple of hours but somehow, the both of us were so exhausted that we both snoozed ! I woke up at 2.30 am and quickly dressed and took a cab home.

Hence the crawling into my own bed after 3 am. Younger sister was awaken by my coming home. Poor dear ! I'm sorry for waking you up, sis. I know how precious sleep is for you these days.

So anyhow, I have a movie date tonight. Bliss ! :D

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Grand gesture

As you guys knew, I was feeling a bit bleargh earlier. Things at work is so complex and a situation with Cheeky Monkey might escalate into something ugly.

I hated my neediness which made its presence felt just 3 hours ago. He had to meet up with his friend who was on transit for a day, earlier in the evening. He had invited me to meet with his friend but I declined the offer because I knew I will not be a good company. This would thus, create a bad impression for his friend.

So I stayed at work and tried to complete my work. Well, tried was a good word to use. I was so switched off mentally that I ended up updating my CV. So I left work earlier than I thought I'd be. I took the longest bus journey home and fell asleep half way through. Only to wake up when this idiotic man sat next to me and took up too much of my personal space.

Feeling a bit cheesed, I changed to the train and arrived home just after 9.15 pm. Waited for CM to call because he mentioned that he wanted to pop by my place to see me since I was feeling bleargh.

He called after 10 pm to say that he won't be coming afterall and even though I left the choice to him, I had really wanted to spend some time with him. I had hoped that he wouldn't mind popping down to see me no matter what I said. Well, I nearly cried myself to sleep again just because he said it's too late for him to come by.

And then he called again, after his dinner to say that he's on the way over. I told him not to bother since it was past 11 pm. He was however pretty insistent in wanting to see me.

So.

He came and it's sunny smiles again. At least for me. I know I might blow hot and cold and give you all the wrong signals but honey, you can read me. You know of what I needed more than I know myself.

Thank you, baby.

I *heart* you. :*