I'm feeling a tad bit blearghhh ... So the next best alternative is to consume massive amounts of nuts and chocolates. Nuts for the good B complex vitamins. Chocolates, just because I can.
I wanted to meet up with Dear after work. He was home cramming for his exams which will be done on Thursday. I was willing to meet him at his bus stop for a short while because I have not seen his hide for the past 4 days.
Hence, on the way out of the office, I rang Dear to ask if he was on his break and if he was willing to meet me at the bus stop. He said no and no. Wow ...
I was totally speechless so after a few beats of silence, I said okay and goodbye. So I walked to the bus stop nearby and as soon as I reached there, my bus service arrived. Got on the bus and psyched myself to just head on home quietly.
Honestly, I was disappointed by his response to my wanting to meet up. Was it so unreasonable for me to want to meet my Dear ? Even if he didn't miss me an iota, I do miss him. Was it a crime to indulge me in my whim to meet him for just a short bit ? I'm not asking him to stay for an hour or two. Just mere minutes while he was on his break from study time.
I felt the buzzing of my mobile, took it out to check and saw a text from Dear asking which bus stop I wanted to meet him. I rang him to inform that I had boarded a different bus home so I told him to forget it. I told him I had planned to meet him at the bus stop just outside his place. But because he said no, I didn't want to insist and press the issue. He said his Ma walked in when I called earlier and was asking if he was studying. A short phone call, I ended and fumed.
Dear called again while I was walking to the next bus stop for my connecting express service. I missed his call and returned it after reaching the bus stop, a few minutes later. Dear wanted to chat while he was out getting some stuff downstairs. And when I called back, he's back home and so couldn't talk. Wow ...
Talk about disappointment and being crestfallen. Not even scraps of affection at this period of time. Dear's Ma is here and I'm pushed aside. Yesterday, I wanted Dear to deliver and have lunch with me and he was reluctant to do so because his mother will nag him. Actually I was not serious about it. If he had said okay I would have told him I was just kidding. I just wanted him to be willing to do it.
*sighs*
So I got pissed at him again last night. Honestly I tell you, I can't even compete there. One lesson I learnt from this. Never try to come between Mom and Son. Especially so if he's the only and youngest son of the family. Don't even entertain the idea of competing for his affections there. He kept saying he loves me and yet the way he acts sometimes just doesn't feel to me like he genuinely loves me. And he is puzzled why I doubt him.
*sighs*
I know this is a super long post and a damn boring one too. I'm just feeling frustrated and despondent over Dear's actions. I'm not asking him to rebel or argue or even fight with his Ma. I just needed to see him for a bit, that's all. He kept asking me to be strong. Everytime I act out, he asked why do I always treat him coldly or get pissy with him.
ARRRRGGGHHHH .... !!!!
Why can't he see that sometimes I just needed to hear the right words from him ? That I want him to reassure me that I am an important part of his life. That sometimes he shouldn't ask me to keep quiet just because he receives a call from his folks. I mean if we are hanging out at his place and his folks call at an hour where it's not decent to entertain guests, then I understand I need to be shushed. But during dinner time ? Even while we are outside ? To ask me to pipe down ? And then I get moody and he becomes glum and asks me why I treat him so.
It's just the consideration I'm asking for. I asked him if he would behave the way I did if he was in my shoes. And he said he would definitely not react the way I do. Getting angry irrationally. Hunh ... Easy for him to say that. Being in my shoes, living my life, feeling and thinking the way I do, I challenge you to not react the way I do.
So anyways. There is no point harping over this. I'm getting so used to being left like this. It feels like a punishment to me that just because Dear had to cram for his exams and his Ma is around to make sure he did, I cannot even meet him for a bit. And he asks me why I treat him the way I did.
*sighs*
Honestly. I'm tired of getting into an argument with him every time he sidelined me. Of thinking awful thoughts and crying my heart out. Of wishing me dead so I can get that bit of attention from Dear. At the end of the day, Dear would always rationalise that he chose to be with me in spite of the objections from his folks and doesn't that count for the fact that he loves me.
Well, yeah. Jolly good then, because that really makes me feel soooooooo special and treasured.
Mood: Morose
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