Not another one

Here I was lying in bed. Thinking how I did it again, I always make the same mistakes. Over and over again I kept getting his hackles raised. Why ? What is the meaning of this destructive behaviour ? Self sabotaged. Self hatred. Self pity.

I'm tired. Mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted. I've been up since 4.30 am this morning, after having about 2 hours sleep time.

I got in to work yesterday afternoon, pretending that nothing major happened last night. I was so consumed with projecting a happy, contented image. Boss spoke to me regarding certain promotion issues. I said no, cleared the air and the suspicions. Apologised to the people who got involved unintentionally. And time just flew past. Before I knew it, it was time to start setting up for the exams for this morning.

Finished up in the office by 10 pm. Hitched a ride with Bro Izam to Holland V with the dear one. Bro Izam had left for Indo this morning. So it was kinda sad to have one less kaki to joke with at work.

We took a cab from Holland V to Mariam's place, arrived after 11 pm and talked until close to 1 am. She had also gone back to Indo this morning, after a week in Singapore for the Lebaran hols. People I will miss. People who can take my nonsense and just let go. How lucky I am.

We then took a cab back to Dear's place and by the time we are done showering, we crashed into bed at about 2 am. I couldn't fall asleep immediately and was getting frisky but Dear was sleepy and we needed to be up early for the exam invigilation.

The exam went without major hitches and by the time the courier guy came to pick up the package, it was almost 4 pm. Dear had to go to Orchard to meet up with his friend to pass something to him. A friend who was like a brother to him. A friend and a recent ex-housemate. I tagged along and we hung out with a few of his other mates for a couple of hours.

Dear had to meet up with his other mates for a birthday dinner in Town. I thought the meeting place was still in Orchard but it turns out to be a restaurant along Clarke Quay. I wanted to come with him but he said reservations were already made and he didn't know if it could be added on. He had asked a few days prior if I wanted to tag him but I told him I might need to be out and about for visiting.

However, I didn't feel like going home then and wanted to spend a bit more time with my dear before I head home. He said he didn't mind me coming along and introducing me to some of his other mates about the girlfriend status. He wanted to pick up a book at Kino before going, so after we left Paragon, we walked to Takashimaya. Dear said it was gonna be a quick one, a trip to the Reservation Counter and then the Cashier. But it turned out to be longer than predicted.

I should have known and expected that dear was a lost cause in bookstores. I waited and waited for him to be done, read a few pages of Stephen Hawking's On The Shoulders Of Giants and still no Dear in sight. I then walked out of the bookstore, looking for a place to rest my aching feet. A few minutes after sitting down, Dear called asking me where I was.

So there I was in my "mischevious" mood answered in a bored voice that I was on the way home. Dear was speechless. Through the line, I could hear a sadness creeping in his voice when he answered my question of his whereabouts. He then sounded resigned and hung up. I called back to say I'll look for him. So I did and saw him still at the Cashier C and thought I'd browse a bit more. Read Calvin and Hobbes and waited and waited for him to be done. When I turned around I saw that he was no longer at the counter and then my mobile rang and I saw him calling me from a few aisles away.

He looked pissed and sad. Then we got into a mood. He didn't want to meet up with his mates and wanted to go home. I persuaded him to go and not break his date with his friends. I waited for him to ask me to come with again. Ah wells. My own damn fault for making a face when he told me the dinner was at Clarke Quay.

So I told him that I wanted to hang around Town before going home. He asked if I wanted to go back to his place and I said no. He wanted us to talk but I told him that he had to go. We walked to the train station to look for the AXS Machine for him to pay his bills. And while he paid, I sat and waited, finally finding a proper place to rest my feet.

Once he was done, again he told me to go back to his place so we can talk once he's back from dinner. We sat there and he asked me what is it that I want him to do to make me happy. I sit there thinking to myself that I don't want to go back to his shared apartment without him around. To face his other housemates. To me, there is no point in me coming back there without him around. I wanted to spend time with him, not to wait around in the room like some fool.

So then I told him that I'll be going to my own place after hanging around for a bit. He looked exasperated before leaving me on the steps, not once looking back to see if I'm okay (Dear clarified that he did looked back to see me as he was travelling down the escalator. I was looking downwards, according to Dear, hence did not see a sad look as he left me there - Edit). He texted me a few minutes later and we exchanged a few messages with me still on the steps. I was contemplating what I wanted to do. I was hoping that he changed his mind and come back to persuade me. When I realised that he was not going to come back for me, I headed to the trains and was thinking of actually going the Woodlands route to Bukit Batok. If he had turned back, I would have done just that. And I would be typing this on his computer and not mine.

But he didn't and so I didn't. I was feeling so lousy at spoiling his mood and mine. Dear wanted to come and see me later and I told him not to bother as I can come round his place tomorrow. He was insistent and after this call it seems like we either talk tonight or we talk on Monday after work. His ultimatum, we don't have to talk tomorrow. Since I was willing to put this off tonight, we could put off the talking to Monday. After all, what's one more day, he said.

Right. So there. I've poured all I could to the best of my recollection of the events leading up to this sad episode. I'm sorry if I missed out on some things. If it seemed that I've ignored some facts to put me in a good light, let me know. I'm willing to edit this so everyone reading this are not misinformed.

You know as I was sitting on the steps of Orchard station with the drilling works going, I wished for an accident to happen. This was after I realised that I was waiting in vain for Dear to come back for me. I wished for a huge slab of concrete to fall on my head and break my neck. Maybe my parents will be happy with the payout and that I'd caused no more unhappiness to my dear.