Restlessness has to be appeased

Lately I have been feeling a little restlessness. The air feels charged all the time. It's as if I had missed something but I can't exactly put a finger to it. Initially I thought the restlessness was due to the fact that there is a caffeine overload in my system. That or the fact that I've spent give or take 4 hours of sleep everyday. I come to work sleepy. Drink my morning coffee, perk up and by midday, I'm nursing a throbbing headache. I did try to sleep earlier. When I reach home, I was ready to konk out at 8 but I usually don't. So by the time 1 am rolls pass, I am so wide awake, you would have thought it's 1 pm. I have serious puffy eye bags. I just can't get rid of them. My eyes looked sunken. Too bad the rest of me decided not to go the same way.

I feel like going away. Short trip to anywhere. But I am so low in the cash department, it's utterly inconceivable. So every night I don't sleep early, the later it seemed to pay day. Where is the excitement of the term break ? A time that has always signify lesser workload and easy money ? Ahhh ... But nothing should come easy. I read on a friend's blog page, if you have to work hard to obtain something, the better the value of the achievement. The more difficult the challenges are, with numerous obstacles blocking the way or popping up all of a sudden, the more valuable the lesson is. But easy come, easy go.

I wished I never have to grow up. Never to have seen how horrible and nasty some people can be. But I would then have missed out on the kindness and generosity of the good majority. I am thankful that I chose to surround myself with people who are truthful and honest. Agreed that sometimes we might not share the same tastes in certain things but we had learned to accept the other party as a unique individual.

I remember last Friday night when I was out with Elaine, Fie and Sha. We were sitting in Coffeebean just talking. All of us were exhausted but we didn't want to leave quite so soon. At least not for me. I know I was super exhausted because I only had about 2 hours sleep since I was up studying for my exam the night before. Even so, I was, to be honest, wishing we could just stay out the whole night. I was wishing that we weren't all working because it made us seemed so grown up. I don't feel as though I'd grown much. Chronologically, yes I have aged but I still feel like I'm 16. Sad, huh ? I didn't even like me when I was 16 ! I was so full of insecurities and idiosyncrasies. Which is not telling that all those self doubts have disappeared completely. They are still there lurking beneath the person I tried to be.

Being alive does not need to be so trying. You know what is funny ? I think maybe not everyone can live. I mean not in the physical sense as life and death. It's more on the psychological living. Not everyone can pyschologically live their life to the fullest. Up until their physical being expire. Physically I am alive, heart's beating: pumping the juices of life throughout, psychologically I was never even "born".