Balderdash.
Yeah, that was what went through my head when I heard the result of the Portugal-England match this morning. I was already psyching myself for the loss but nothing actually beats hearing it from someone else. It makes it all too real. I think I have my head up in the clouds for so long that I didn't realise my feet had ceased to touch the ground.
I believe there is something psychologically wrong with me. Shitz ! At times I feel so utterly dejected and useless and I will think that I am better off by ending everything. Then there will be moments when I am so "normal" that I know there is something wrong in that. How can someone be "normal" and think that is abnormal ?
Really.
I fancy myself an all independent, with head screwed on tight person but I am not. I feel like lashing out and brutalising anything in my path. Pent up frustration that has been simmering beneath the surface, just waiting for it to boil over. Then I would feel like there is so much more I want to accomplish. I don't want to die as I am now. Poor, sad and ignored fool.
I need a shrink. I need time out to figure and put things and my life into perspective. I am so afraid that I would say the wrong things to the people I care about or worse, end up physically hurting them. I am so darn afraid that I will just do something nasty and claim insanity. But then this would indicate premeditation. Like I seriously need help.
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