I'm sick. I'm tired and exhausted. I'm so worn out by the two faceness I had to show him. It's got so bad that I'd deliberately lunched out today. I kept telling R to ignore and disregard his presence, and yet, I can't do it myself.
The urge to up and leave is so strong that I don't really mind being jobless for a few months while looking for better options. But it's a stupid thought really. I've so much commitments that it's almost impossible.
*sighs*
I'm not making much sense here, am I ?
Cold weather and a good lunch company makes one pensive, no ?
silentscream Search
Monday, July 07, 2008
Sunday, July 06, 2008
Conversations with my mother
Hey Ma. I just want to let you know that I've got a steady boyfriend now. I'm sure you're aware of this fact, what with me coming home late almost daily. And the not coming home at all some nights. For the record, he's not my first boyfriend, I've had others before. It's just that he's the first serious boyfriend I have.
Serious enough to want to marry him and have his babies. Mother. I love him like I have never loved my other boyfriends before. I want to be with him for always and until death do we part. If God willing.
Mother. I want you to get to know him. I want you to know his heart. To know that he is serious about making me his wife and living together forever. Mother, I want you to know what a good and kind-hearted person he is. I want you to understand that he makes me happy and I make him happy (most times).
I admit, we do have our differences, our goals and priorities. However, I know we can work them out. At the very most, we disagree but we will make up and make things work. I want things to work between us. I want a family with him.
Just one more thing, Mother. He's not like us. He will never be like us. We are not of the same faith and I don't choose for him to be like one of us just so we can marry. Inspite it all, I am in love with him and love him I shall. I know you didn't ask for this. I know I should have come clean earlier. I know you only want me to be happy and he does it for me.
Give us your blessing even if I'm a disappointment in your eyes. I love you like I can never love anyone else. My love for you and my love for him is different. I hope you understand and wish us the best.
If all else fails, imagine how our children will turn out.
Now, if only I have the courage to tell this to her face to face. :D
Saturday, July 05, 2008
Farewell
Mariam left for her new job overseas earlier this afternoon. R and I popped down to T2 to wave goodbye and wish her luck.
Last evening, we went out to East Coast Food Centre with a few other people to have a last makan session. There were just us 2 gals with the rest being boys. A huge crowd of 10 people occupied a nice little corner of the food centre and enjoyed the food and company. A few loud laughs from yours truly punctuated the otherwise quiet corner.
After the late dinner (the guys were actually from a futsal training earlier in the evening), we decided to walk down the beach front. Just to talk and chat and basically wait for the food to be digested. I must say we stayed there for over 2 hours. It was a most fun night. Mr G, D, R, Cher, Roi, Ian G, Mr Puni, Bro Izam, Mariam and I. The whole gang minus Trace and Ed H. We are the fun bunch. We are the TC gang.
Sad, I was, definitely when we said our goodbyes at the airport just now. I was such a weepy cow, that I had tears in my eyes when she crossed the gate. The thing that stopped me from full blown crying was the fact that R was there (didn't want him to think of me as a wimpy little cow ! Heh !) and that Mariam's family were all so composed, especially her younger sister.
So anyways, Mariam had invited us to come and visit her and I'm planning to make a trip down with Cheeky Monkey. When I told my Ma that Mariam is working overseas and the area she's at is pretty accessible, Ma was on about visiting.
Okay.
I'm typing this away on borrowed computer. Currently I am over at CM's after finishing up at the airport. He's gonna have to go for a work thing in a bit and he's in the shower right now. So I'd better make this a quick one and end fast. For the record, I'm loving the typing on his new lap top. The buttons are so smooth. The screen is so shiny. The connection is pretty decent.
I'm loving his toy ! I'm loving him, period.
*muacks*
Last evening, we went out to East Coast Food Centre with a few other people to have a last makan session. There were just us 2 gals with the rest being boys. A huge crowd of 10 people occupied a nice little corner of the food centre and enjoyed the food and company. A few loud laughs from yours truly punctuated the otherwise quiet corner.
After the late dinner (the guys were actually from a futsal training earlier in the evening), we decided to walk down the beach front. Just to talk and chat and basically wait for the food to be digested. I must say we stayed there for over 2 hours. It was a most fun night. Mr G, D, R, Cher, Roi, Ian G, Mr Puni, Bro Izam, Mariam and I. The whole gang minus Trace and Ed H. We are the fun bunch. We are the TC gang.
Sad, I was, definitely when we said our goodbyes at the airport just now. I was such a weepy cow, that I had tears in my eyes when she crossed the gate. The thing that stopped me from full blown crying was the fact that R was there (didn't want him to think of me as a wimpy little cow ! Heh !) and that Mariam's family were all so composed, especially her younger sister.
So anyways, Mariam had invited us to come and visit her and I'm planning to make a trip down with Cheeky Monkey. When I told my Ma that Mariam is working overseas and the area she's at is pretty accessible, Ma was on about visiting.
Okay.
I'm typing this away on borrowed computer. Currently I am over at CM's after finishing up at the airport. He's gonna have to go for a work thing in a bit and he's in the shower right now. So I'd better make this a quick one and end fast. For the record, I'm loving the typing on his new lap top. The buttons are so smooth. The screen is so shiny. The connection is pretty decent.
I'm loving his toy ! I'm loving him, period.
*muacks*
Friday, July 04, 2008
Hair For Hope 2008
Hey people, surf on to this site.
I've done my online pledge for a good cause. Please do your part. At the very least, spread the word to as many people as possible. Come by the event this Sunday, 06 July 2008 at Velocity@Novena Square.
R's gonna be shaving his head for this fund raising programme. Please donate generously here !
I've done my online pledge for a good cause. Please do your part. At the very least, spread the word to as many people as possible. Come by the event this Sunday, 06 July 2008 at Velocity@Novena Square.
R's gonna be shaving his head for this fund raising programme. Please donate generously here !
Thursday, July 03, 2008
Why me ?
I'm in my depression mode again. Again, I'm feeling sorry for myself. Again, I'm feeling self-destructive.
This feeling of unhappiness and abandonment had been shadowing me for the past few months. Not that I feel this way every single day of the month. Most of the time, the "attacks" come when I'm all alone in the office, trying my darnest to clear the mountains of paperwork.
It's so depressing to not be able to go home when I think I should. I know that I managed to leave the office early yesterday. But the work that I did not clear for that slightly over an hour of early off time is doubled today. There are so many things that needed my attention and yet I cannot fulfil them all in the 8 plus hours I'm in the office.
Have I lost my efficiency ? Have I lost my drive ? Have I lost my interest ? Is the disillusion and disenchantment so overpowering that I cannot feel happy anymore ?
I thought I could spend a bit of time with him. I thought I could have a bit of quiet time with him. He, however, had been invited over to his friend's place. How then can I ask him to cancel ? How can I grow so dependent on our time together every single day ? I guess, spending that little time with him gets me away from the stress at work. I thought he might feel that some days, I just want to laze around and not do anything at all. Just to be with him. Even to do mundane things like read a book while he's on the net or something. Sometimes, I feel that we don't even have to go out for a date. We could stay in and read the papers or just talk. Maybe, I'm just projecting some of the Hollywood coupley things to do. Maybe, I'm just not communicating enough. *shrugs*
Okay, I'm getting a tad bit weepy, just thinking about work and my life in general. Seriously, people. I think I'm mildly depressed. I am overwhelmed at work. I am overwhelmed at home. I am overwhelmed with all things with him. I need a time out. I need a personal time out to be with myself. I need to assess my priorities, my needs and my capabilities. I need 8 full hours of sleep.
I know that sleep is not the answer to every complexity of life. But I know it's a start. I need a clear perspective of my life's journey. Does it end when it does ? Or can I still exercise control at the end of it all ?
This feeling of unhappiness and abandonment had been shadowing me for the past few months. Not that I feel this way every single day of the month. Most of the time, the "attacks" come when I'm all alone in the office, trying my darnest to clear the mountains of paperwork.
It's so depressing to not be able to go home when I think I should. I know that I managed to leave the office early yesterday. But the work that I did not clear for that slightly over an hour of early off time is doubled today. There are so many things that needed my attention and yet I cannot fulfil them all in the 8 plus hours I'm in the office.
Have I lost my efficiency ? Have I lost my drive ? Have I lost my interest ? Is the disillusion and disenchantment so overpowering that I cannot feel happy anymore ?
I thought I could spend a bit of time with him. I thought I could have a bit of quiet time with him. He, however, had been invited over to his friend's place. How then can I ask him to cancel ? How can I grow so dependent on our time together every single day ? I guess, spending that little time with him gets me away from the stress at work. I thought he might feel that some days, I just want to laze around and not do anything at all. Just to be with him. Even to do mundane things like read a book while he's on the net or something. Sometimes, I feel that we don't even have to go out for a date. We could stay in and read the papers or just talk. Maybe, I'm just projecting some of the Hollywood coupley things to do. Maybe, I'm just not communicating enough. *shrugs*
Okay, I'm getting a tad bit weepy, just thinking about work and my life in general. Seriously, people. I think I'm mildly depressed. I am overwhelmed at work. I am overwhelmed at home. I am overwhelmed with all things with him. I need a time out. I need a personal time out to be with myself. I need to assess my priorities, my needs and my capabilities. I need 8 full hours of sleep.
I know that sleep is not the answer to every complexity of life. But I know it's a start. I need a clear perspective of my life's journey. Does it end when it does ? Or can I still exercise control at the end of it all ?
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
Stoned and super stoned !
I crawled into bed after 3 am this morning. My alarm buzzed at 5 am and I snoozed for a few more minutes before forcing myself into the shower. Granted I did snooze for a bit over at Cheeky Monkey's place last night but sleep deprivation was the order of the night.
I met up with the Prudential lady, who came up with a pretty attractive policy for me to take up. I need to do a bit of reading up of the policy and come up with ways to free up some of my expenses and I might just be able to afford the premium. *tsks*
After which, I had dinner with CM and crashed over at his place. The intention was to just stay for a couple of hours but somehow, the both of us were so exhausted that we both snoozed ! I woke up at 2.30 am and quickly dressed and took a cab home.
Hence the crawling into my own bed after 3 am. Younger sister was awaken by my coming home. Poor dear ! I'm sorry for waking you up, sis. I know how precious sleep is for you these days.
So anyhow, I have a movie date tonight. Bliss ! :D
I met up with the Prudential lady, who came up with a pretty attractive policy for me to take up. I need to do a bit of reading up of the policy and come up with ways to free up some of my expenses and I might just be able to afford the premium. *tsks*
After which, I had dinner with CM and crashed over at his place. The intention was to just stay for a couple of hours but somehow, the both of us were so exhausted that we both snoozed ! I woke up at 2.30 am and quickly dressed and took a cab home.
Hence the crawling into my own bed after 3 am. Younger sister was awaken by my coming home. Poor dear ! I'm sorry for waking you up, sis. I know how precious sleep is for you these days.
So anyhow, I have a movie date tonight. Bliss ! :D
Tuesday, July 01, 2008
Grand gesture
As you guys knew, I was feeling a bit bleargh earlier. Things at work is so complex and a situation with Cheeky Monkey might escalate into something ugly.
I hated my neediness which made its presence felt just 3 hours ago. He had to meet up with his friend who was on transit for a day, earlier in the evening. He had invited me to meet with his friend but I declined the offer because I knew I will not be a good company. This would thus, create a bad impression for his friend.
So I stayed at work and tried to complete my work. Well, tried was a good word to use. I was so switched off mentally that I ended up updating my CV. So I left work earlier than I thought I'd be. I took the longest bus journey home and fell asleep half way through. Only to wake up when this idiotic man sat next to me and took up too much of my personal space.
Feeling a bit cheesed, I changed to the train and arrived home just after 9.15 pm. Waited for CM to call because he mentioned that he wanted to pop by my place to see me since I was feeling bleargh.
He called after 10 pm to say that he won't be coming afterall and even though I left the choice to him, I had really wanted to spend some time with him. I had hoped that he wouldn't mind popping down to see me no matter what I said. Well, I nearly cried myself to sleep again just because he said it's too late for him to come by.
And then he called again, after his dinner to say that he's on the way over. I told him not to bother since it was past 11 pm. He was however pretty insistent in wanting to see me.
So.
He came and it's sunny smiles again. At least for me. I know I might blow hot and cold and give you all the wrong signals but honey, you can read me. You know of what I needed more than I know myself.
Thank you, baby.
I *heart* you. :*
I hated my neediness which made its presence felt just 3 hours ago. He had to meet up with his friend who was on transit for a day, earlier in the evening. He had invited me to meet with his friend but I declined the offer because I knew I will not be a good company. This would thus, create a bad impression for his friend.
So I stayed at work and tried to complete my work. Well, tried was a good word to use. I was so switched off mentally that I ended up updating my CV. So I left work earlier than I thought I'd be. I took the longest bus journey home and fell asleep half way through. Only to wake up when this idiotic man sat next to me and took up too much of my personal space.
Feeling a bit cheesed, I changed to the train and arrived home just after 9.15 pm. Waited for CM to call because he mentioned that he wanted to pop by my place to see me since I was feeling bleargh.
He called after 10 pm to say that he won't be coming afterall and even though I left the choice to him, I had really wanted to spend some time with him. I had hoped that he wouldn't mind popping down to see me no matter what I said. Well, I nearly cried myself to sleep again just because he said it's too late for him to come by.
And then he called again, after his dinner to say that he's on the way over. I told him not to bother since it was past 11 pm. He was however pretty insistent in wanting to see me.
So.
He came and it's sunny smiles again. At least for me. I know I might blow hot and cold and give you all the wrong signals but honey, you can read me. You know of what I needed more than I know myself.
Thank you, baby.
I *heart* you. :*