I don't know what had overcame me. I was chatting with the rest on MSN earlier and after a few "undesirable" comments I was like, totally turned off. Like *bleargh ....* I feel like taking that uzi and aiming it at my temple. Yeah, I might make a mess, but that would pretty much summed up my existence. I am a mess. I create mess. I hate mess. People always make me feel like a mess. I hate myself for over reacting to every little itty bitty of comments I don't want to hear / see. That isn't me. I don't know who I am anymore. One minute I'm bouncing off the walls from pure joy and the next nanosecond, I'm in the doldrums of the world's miseries.

My problems can't be any bigger than anyone else's. So what makes me so affected ? People at work thinks I'm weird. I think I am too. I can make all those nonsensical comments and empathise at the same time. It's like I have two very different people trying to prove something. On one hand, I can assure people, even to the extent of making them glow. On the other hand, I'm still waiting for someone to make me glow. You know calm my fears, insecurities and insanities. I want to be genuinely happy. Happy to do things willingly. And most of all, to let those "nasty criticisms" roll off my back. I wish I can. I asked for the strength. I asked for the insights. I asked for genuine happiness. I asked the wrong person.

I am acutely aware I'm biased and judgemental. I can hate and love with a passion. I want to go away. Far, far away where nobody knows me. Know my history, friends, family and life. Start on a clean sheet. Share my life with people who can accept me without prejudices. Without preambles.

I hate the point I am at right now. I hate ranting. I love writing. I love life but I don't fear death. I know how I will fare. My path in life has been pre-destined. I took a wrong step somewhere and now I'm lost. I asked for guidance but all I got was the static line. I want out. Pronto.