I would like to think that the weather changes are subjected to my whims and fancies. But that would be arrogant and blasphemous. Not to mention idiotic. But I really can't help but ponder that these past few days (week ?) that I'm feeling as though I am at my lowest point, the weather has been kind enough to accomodate my "distress". I hope to get over this soon but well, the cloud is passing pretty slowly. Where did all this misery began ? Same question as when did life began. Some questions have all the answers pat and ready, others take a number of questing years. And the minute rest ? Unanswerable. I'd like to hope that my life is one huge unanswered question. But that is just flattery. I am nothing but an open book. Not quite right, some of my acquaintance would retort. I am anything but an open book. I'd like to think that my thoughts are as deep as the Pacific. But many a times I've been put to the ground by the shallowness of my thinking. Why does everything I do completely out of sync with all the things I thought I could do ? Again. The quest begins. When will it end ? When we are old and grey ? Or when we breathe our last ? Or has it not even begun at all ? Or just something we thought we had to do ? Maybe out of self recognition ? Or pity ? The answer is how you want it answered.

What am I doing here ?

This question and more has been wrecking havoc in my mind. And with so much time to kill, this has left me in the quest for answers. I am scared of what "solutions" I can finally come up with. My life is such that hopes and ideals galore but with little results. I don't know if I can make it through what I'd chosen. Sometimes I wonder why am I so stubborn. Why do I insist on following through with something that might not work. I just know that I don't want to be a quitter (or shirker in the words of my Sec 4 English teacher). I don't want to disappoint even if that might mean I am unhappy. I am swimming in too much self pity.

Time to stand back and distance myself away from me. I need to look at me from outside me. I need a new lease of hope and inspiration. I need something new to distract me for a while. Remind me to get new batteries for my sister's old virtual pet.

Uncertainty

I have this unsettled feeling in the pit of my stomach. Like as if I'd forgotten to do something important and for the life of me, I can't recall whatever it is I was supposed to do. There is although a little bit of excitement as though I am anticipating something wonderful (?) to happen. I tried to brush aside this antsy feeling but somehow it had made itself comfortable and immovable like the lead dead weight it is. There is a twinge of guilt strung along this whole thing.

I feel oppressed, yet I am not.
I feel gaiety, yet I am down.
I feel evilness, yet goodness overwhelms everything.
I feel love, yet I am without.

I am seriously hormonal.

I forgot my mobile today. However, that does not stop me from meeting up with Fie and Sha for dinner later. I want to prove to myself that my mobile is NOT my entire life. That without it, my day is ruined and that everything cease to function. As you can see, the time is after 6. Which means that I am still at work typing away the natterings of my "exciting" life. I am not want of a life.

*arghhhh*

My muse is missing. I cannot write. Mental block. Mental block. Okay shall stop wasting everybody's time. Hopefully I'll come back tomorrow unscathed !

What are the signs of dehydration ? Is it queasy tummy ? Headaches that come and go ? Feeling nauseated all the time ? If those are, then I am dehydrated. If otherwise, then what am I suffering from ? Delusional tendencies ? Stress related incidences ? What ?

Shed a light for the poor miserable fool.
For she has naught too many acquaintances.
Acceptance of hypochondriasis.
Irrational thoughts of one's own mortality.
Cometh head shrink !

To love is to sacrifice.

Why is it that when I'm at home, wonderful, precious thoughts go whizzing in my mind every few seconds. But when I actually sit down to record it, nothin gof value ever appears ? Strange as it may seem, I fancy myself a good writer. Albeit in my thoughts. So many descriptive words flying around my brain but when it comes to the crunch, I'd come up with crap like this. Like this. Like this.

Just a piece of update, my plans for a London holiday has been shelved until further notice. Hey you, [person's name] I know you were expecting my visit, I'm really sorry to bail out. I'm dealing with some family things at the moment and I really can't get away, even for a week. I hope that things would turn around soon and I'll keep you posted. Really, really sorry.

Speaking of family, why is it that youngsters never heed elders' advices ? I am pissed and disappointed by the show of "maturity" of [family member in question]. And it has reached the point where I really can't be bothered anymore. I wash my hands off of the situation. I don't know if you might read this, but let me just say it anyway, you do whatever you see fit, since you "believe" that you can make your own decisions. And that you have the ability to differentiate right from wrong. I don't care. Whatever happens, don't even bother to find out how I am. Truth be told, I'd considered you to not exist in my life anymore. Don't try to contact me via whatever means. SMS or email, it'd all be in vain. I won't send a word back. If this is how you want to play this game, I'd stated my "rules" and you chose NOT to abide then, I have nothing more to say.

Live your life as you want to. Everyone be damned.