When all is said and done

I think I may have used this same blog title some years back. What the mind does then and now seems to be similar. You go through cycles of up and down and left and right and you would like to think that what you thought then is justified and entitled. Do you? Do you feel that you are justified or entitled and want to push this sense of righteousness around? Lord it over people and say that I am entitled to have this feelings, to say what I can and behave as I do. Do you?

I like to think that I am not like this, that I am more sane than insane, more wise than foolish, more humble than proud. But I am not. I think I am not a good human being if I don't have those flashes of irrationality. My only wish is that I am more than that flashes of "the opposite of rational". I feel sad that I sometimes are more careful with my words for the people I dislike than with the people I love. I have that ego thing to tamp down. To make sure I don't lose face and to assert my right to be, well, right.

I need to believe that my compassion does not mean weakness and that I will be heard whether I speak in a normal tone or in my loud voice. I need to show passivity is a strength. Never a weakness.